Somewhere with You
by Gainel
Summary: Remus breaks down when the order receives news that Sirius has been murdered. Severus comforts him, they evolve.  Inspired by the Kenny Chesney song of the same name. rather AU!/No prophecy. SB/RL mentioned, SS/RL in later chapters
1. Somewhere with You

He can't breath.

The room is suddenly very still and quiet, as if someone has drawn the very breath right out of it. It is worse than being touched by a Dementor, the most soul crushing feeling he has ever experienced. Lily and James are holding each other nearby, Lily has her hands over her pregnant belly in anguish.

As he scans the room he waits for the so familiar bark of laughter that would break the tension, reveal it was a very dark and twisted joke, he sees the same look of ache and loss on every face. He was well liked, after all. 

No, he refuses to accept it, panic and outrage war in his stomach. He will not accept that this is actually happening.

_Sirius Black can _not _be dead. _

He wants to scream it, make everyone listen. Don't they understand how ludicrous it is? Sirius was ever the survivor, the humor in every dark day. Finally, he meets Severus' eyes. He was the one to give the news, bitterly Remus wonders if he heard a note of pleasure in his voice. The look in Severus' eyes is so heavy, so...apologetic that he has to look away. He didn't hear it, only wanted to, and it was unfair. Severus has made it quite clear to Remus there is no ill will between them.

"Remus," Severus starts and he winces. It isn't that he doesn't want the comfort, he just doesn't want it from Sirius' enemy. He also doesn't want to lead Severus on, Because Remus knows if Sirius hadn't been there to claim him first, Severus would have tried.

"No," He barely hears his own voice, but then everyone is looking at him. And of course they are, because everyone knew. They, he and Sirius, were a secret, which meant that everyone and their mother knew about them. Sirius never was good at keeping secrets.

His world spins and his stomach tosses uncomfortably. Hands shaking so hard he can barely grasp his wand, he some how manages to say in a very level, if soft, voice, "Excuse me"

No one misses the way he sways as he crosses to the back door of the Potter's house, and he nearly falls over the stair into the yard. He is hit with a memory like a flash back, uninvited, unwelcome, raw and painful.

_Sirius crawls between the curtains, all panic and hurt and raw energy one night. Unkempt, lovely. Remus sits up as Sirius reaches for him. It is late. It hurts when Sirius hugs him, his ribs are still sore from three nights ago. Four? _

_His pain is nothing compared to Sirius'. Breath hitching, nose and eyes running into the collar of Remus' pajama shirt, body wracked with silent sobs. Suddenly he goes quiet, whispers into Remus' throat._

"I hate my life,"

Remus stumbles to the corner of the house, braces himself on the brick and is ill over Lily's garden.

He remembers that he said nothing, only gently put a hand on the back of Sirius' head and let him cry.

_Summer that year, Its three am and something in Remus' head is roaring. There is a motorbike outside his window and he must be dreaming._

_It's only Sirius, who has come to pick him up at three am, he's fighting with his mom again.  
_

_"So I thought i'd go somewhere with you,"_

He is sick again and doesn't even recognize where the next memory comes from,

_"I'd much rather sleep somewhere with you,"_

He can't walk straight, but he tries his best as he approaches the back steps. He sits beside them, curling into the small corner they make with the wall of the house. He closed his eyes

_Laughing on a carnival ride, driving around with no where to go, Hogwarts grounds_

He moans lowly to himself, opening his eyes. All he can see is black, tonight there are no stars and no moon. He almost wishes there were a moon, just so he can feel a different sort of pain. The Wolf would not hurt like this.

I just want to be somewhere with you, he thinks desperately and his mind swims. He finally begins to cry, and it's painful and raw, the way only a child, or someone in incomprehensible pain can cry. He pulls at his hair and digs his heels into the ground and digs his nails into his palm. He screams. Nothing helps, his anguish and sobs are being simply torn from him. His nose runs, he gasps and coughs. It feels like his transformation, aching, terrifying, overwhelming and he can never ever stop it.

He cries like this until he can't anymore, coughs and gasps for a moment. He keeps sobbing, quiet and defeated. Very shortly, as if he were waiting for it, Severus steps out the back door the moment Remus begins to quiet down. He still walks in his brusque and haughty way, head high.

Then the door closes, and he jumps the last step in a hurry, crouching down in front of Remus. He puts a hand on the top of the other man's head, looking awkward. He is jealous, guilty for that, sad in his own way, and aches because Remus aches. Remus is far from handsome, with nose and eyes streaming, but Severus leans against the wall next to him anyway, and puts an arm around his shoulder. Unexpectedly, Remus turns and curls into his chest, shaking quietly.

Severus knows that this will not make Remus feel any better, will probably make it worse, but he pulls a parcel out of his robes anyway. Remus moans when he sees it, and Severus winces in guilt. Sirius' leather jacket, a hole in the breast.

"I tried to fix it," Severus tells him, "But-"

"Cursed," Its almost unintelligable, but he nods. Remus hesitates, then buries his face in the jacket and curls around it, sobbing with renewed vigor. One arm, and eventually both, around him Severus waits for him to stop. He doesn't offer words of comfort, because there are none, and does not take his eyes off the sky. Remus has always been composed, but now he is unrestrained and raw,and close to being in Severus'-who has also always been very regal- lap.

When, eventually, Remus doesn't seem capable of crying anymore Severus points upward. He hopes this doesn't make Remus cry more.

Remus looks up, blinking away seemingly endless tears and suddenly all stops. It hurts him, it is the worst pain he has ever known, but there is suddenly something akin to comfort, just at the back of his mind.

Sirius, The Dog Star, now glows bright overhead.

His mouth trembles, he curls up with his head in Severus' lap.

"I just want to go somewhere with him,"

Severus says nothing and puts a gentle hand on his head and lets him cry.


	2. Wait

It has been over six months since Sirius' death. It still feels strange when Sirius walks into his flat and no one is there, it frightens him, it hurts and he is afraid of the desperate things he thinks of doing when alone.

The war is going their way, finally. Dumbledore has discovered a secret, the Dark Lord is growing weaker. There is a flame of hope in the wizard world now.

Remus feels little difference. The moons are easier, a depressed wolf, it seems, is less dangerous. The Wolfsbane probably helps, too.

He sleeps in the jacket, he works in it, he is defensive of it. It has become an obsession.

Severus has visited him often since Sirius' death. Remus was suspicious at first, but Severus has done little to try and win him over, and has only tried recently. He visits several times a week now, to make sure that Remus eats, changes his clothes, and takes his wolfsbane. They have become friends now, Remus has no doubt that is what they are.

There is no divide between them, with Sirius gone. He knows Severus is glad, and guilty because he is glad. But Remus understands, and doesn't hold it against him. He is glad for Severus' company, and his unquestioning comfort.

And then one day, there is an eviction notice on his door. His land lady had found out a few weeks prior about his condition, and he has been worried about this exact thing. Severus is with him that morning.

"I have a spare room," He says it as a casual statement, not as an offer of charity. Remus, feeling near tears(he feels that way a lot lately) looks up at him.

"I'll pay rent,"

"Only if you want."

"Severus, I..."

"Don't thank me, Remus." There is a small note of bitterness in Severus' voice, Remus looks down, "You know that isn't what I want from you,"

Remus steps forward and hugs him. Remus breaths deeply, and notes that he smells nothing like Sirius did. Severus smells of herbs and oils and potion and ash, It is a solemn and rich smell, which is unappealing at first, but has come to comfort Remus immensely as he sorted it out. Sirius was warm and wild and spicy, with an undertone like honey. Remus was drawn to it at once, it excited him.

The smell on the jacket is faint now.

"I'm sorry, Severus...I can't yet, not yet."

"I don't like waiting, Remus,"

Remus' heart sinks and he closes his eyes tight because... He wants him to, He wants him to wait. He still feels too much pain over Sirius, too much guilt. He doesn't argue, however, and Severus speaks again, and finally embraces him back.

"I suppose, if I have to, I will."


	3. Let me down easy

Moving into Severus' house has been good for Remus. He has been there for about seven months now, and there is less work for him in the Order. The werewolves have realized that Voldemort is failing, and their hope of ever being normal in society is even less if they have Death Eater on their resume. He is glad that he no longer has to go among them.

Severus seems glad too, even going so far as to embrace Remus tightly for several moments when he returns from his last mission with them. Remus has grown amused by Severus' seemingly split personalities, lately. When there are people other than Remus in the house, he holds himself together like bookends , he is cold, clipped and brusque to the point of being rude.

When Remus is around he is more kind than he ever expected, respecting Remus' need for privacy, but willing to share nearly anything of his own. He worries in private, and has started telling Remus what he worries about.

Remus had a picture in his mind of Severus sweeping, bat like, through his house in robes all the time. Instead, early in the morning he wears plaid pajama pants. Days when they don't leave the house, he wears muggle jeans and a tee shirt.

Remus realizes this is because he is so jaded, he believes that people already dislike him and aren't to be trusted. And Remus feels intensely guilty for his behavior in school, and for Sirius and James' behavior too. James has, face to face, apologized to Severus twice now, but things are still awkward. James wants Harry to think well of him, Remus thinks.

Severus catches Remus looking at him, which happens more often than Remus would care to admit. Usually, Remus simply looks quickly away, as he does now, and that is the end of it.

Today, on a chilly fall evening, he feels Severus' gaze linger and grows uncomfortable.

Eventually, Severus gets up from his chair. He is thinking that it hasn't been long enough for Remus, but he is not certain that he is patient enough for this game. He pushes his chair back, imagines he can hear Remus' heart pounding, watches his face flush.

He sees Remus wince and hesitates, but crosses his den anyway. Remus is standing by the table in the dining room, and Severus gets close enough to pin him against it. Remus can smell the earthy, charcoal and herb smell he likes so much now. The jacket hardly smells like anything but leather anymore, but if he holds it to his nose just right...

"You're wearing it again, I see,"

Severus murmurs to him, nearly affecting his usual drawl, but not quite able to. Not with Remus,

"You haven't in a few weeks,"

"It's been too warm," Remus' voice is soft, as if he can't quite get enough breath. Secretly, Remus is afraid if he keeps breathing in he'll go crazy because of the way Severus smells. Sirius did that to him once, especially near the moon, and it is near now. He feels a pang of guilt and starts to tremble.

Severus moves even closer, Remus breaths deep by mistake and looks up. His eyes are gold, warm and frightened.

"Severus," His voice shivers

Severus steps forward, Remus is well and truly pinned to the dinner table. Sirius lowers his head, brushing hair out of Remus' face, an uncertain hand on his side. For one dizzy, hopeful moment, Remus' tilts his chin up for the expected kiss.

Severus is careful, and he doesn't push forward after a flash of fear crosses Remus' face. He doesn't protest when the other man quickly dips his face and hides in Severus' shoulder. He is shaking, and there is a warm, damp spot on Severus' tee-shirt.

With a mix of jealousy and sadness, Severus runs his fingers along the collar of Sirius' old leather jacket. He is beginning to feel like Remus is never going to care for him the way he did Sirius. He is ready to give up.

Remus' hands are clutching at the back of his shirt, he breaths deeply, "Let me down easy," He pleads in a shaky voice, and looks him in the eye "I'm always going to be in love with him..."

Severus can see it in his face, Remus is afraid and confused. No one ever told him it was possible to love with two people this way.

"I just hope," Severus says softly to him, and he feels his pulse quicken as Remus tilts his chin up again, this time determined, "Maybe you can love me at the same time" Remus shows no sign of pulling away, though his hands still shake, and he seems on the verge of tears.

Severus kisses him, and he is careful about it, like he is careful about everything. Sirius was never careful, He was overwhelming and all passion and little thought. It's rather nice, though, Remus thinks, as Severus begins to relax and a large hand strokes his hair, and another grips his hip. Having someone afraid to break you...

Severus is taller than Sirius was, and Remus, in bare feet, has to rock up on the balls of his feet to wrap his arms around Severus, in shoes, properly. That's nice too, actually. He is still frightened, and still guilty, and still confused. But it's all a little dulled now.

When Severus' eventually pulls back, Remus immediately searches his dark eyes for something, but he has no idea what he's looking for. Reassurance is all he finds. With a shaky sigh he rocks up on his toes again to hug Severus, and Severus buries his nose in his hair and breaths deep. Another nice thing, he thinks, He missed embraces like this.

He opens his eyes, and out the window the Dog Star is glowing bright, it's dancing merrily. He imagines that it's mirth. He thinks that, somehow, he knows that Sirius is wondering what took him so long.

He's always going to be in love with him, but, he thinks maybe he'll love Severus too, soon. Though he never, ever, meant to leave him, Sirius' death let Remus hit rock bottom. Hard. But he's pretty sure Severus is always going to let him down easy.

Remus looks away from the Dog Star, and Severus seems very content with his arms around Remus' waist and nose in the crook of his neck.

If he ever decides to let him go, that is.


End file.
